i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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