just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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