The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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