I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
