My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
