I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
