Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He better not be in your backpack
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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