This girl is more easily done than said...
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
