my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
