You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
wrigley field is MILF paradise
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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