2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
