Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
