i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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