Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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