its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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