wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
