Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
