I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
