My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
