I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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