I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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