So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
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