just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
