So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
