i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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