I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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