Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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