Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
