Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
