i was born a porn star she said
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
