but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
