is your mom at the bar?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
As shirtless as possible
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
