Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
