another moral hangover. fuck.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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