Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
