I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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