Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
