So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
