yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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