and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
