Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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