i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
