I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
