Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
