I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
