the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
