Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
