i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
