The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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