Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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