if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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