No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
