I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
