Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
