Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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