I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
