I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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