Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
